Tuesday, March 29, 2005

What is it?

Tears were pouring down my face as drove back home from work that night some three months back. My two sons were just out of hospital which should've been a relief but instead I was advised that my lil sunshine, baby N, had to see a child psychiatrist. He was turning three and could speak less than 10 words. "Autism" was the word the doctor had used.It was probable. The ugliest word that was ever spoken to me..ever.

No one (i thought) would ever understand how angry, sad and confused I felt at the time. I kept blaming myself for everything I had done and not done from pregnancy to birth to not being there for him etc.. etc..etc.. I knew I was the worse mother in the world! And I was alone, in that sense for, even though I could share my fears and worries with my husband, family and friends, no one could truly know what I felt. How could anyone comprehend how shattered I was deep inside and the depth of the pain from the guilt I had to bear.

Each day I prayed for strength and courage and for enlightenment and guidance on what to do. Most of all, I prayed for Allah to take away the burden from my son and pass it to me. For it was..no matter what, somehow, my fault. The guilt and the pain never waivered. And I bear it with me now in each passing day.

Allah has listened though, for we have persevered and the psychiatrist has assessed baby N to be NON-AUTISTIC but with a mild development delay which we have to work on. So, we have been undergoing a twice-weekly therapy session on speech etc and Baby N is doing spendidly well and has just joined kindergarten with his Big Bro. He is finally picking up words and learning to be friends with other children. Baby N is still far from being like kids his age but he is trying hard I can see. It's not easy. For me and for him.

I live for the day when I can talk to him, and when baby N can talk back. I live for the day that baby N can voice out his thoughts and feelings like his brother and friends. But the journey is still half travelled. And I cry to sleep every night when I put him to bed and think of the struggle he is going through.

Deep inside, I believe, he has a great future in front of him. He has to have it! And, that's a promise I make to him everyday and for that I must and will be strong.

So, we all know and I keep reminding myself that everything in life is for a reason. And some believe that everything that happens is for a GOOD reason. For Allah has said and promised so.

Question is, what EXACTLY is Allah's message to me?Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Anonymous Buncit said...

Allah is opening the doors of heaven for a loving and dedicated mother. Syukur alhamdulillah your child is actually ok considering. I personally know a number of friends who are being tested mentally, physically and emotionally to bring up and look after their beloved challenged children -- mongoloid, down syndrome, blind, epilepsy and more which makes me too sad to mention. I also know friends who have lost their children through illness, road accidents and freak accidents. Trust me, you do want want to count your blessings and be grateful to Allah for this test. Adding ibadah and doa to all your other efforts, everything will be ok eventually insyaallah.

1:01 AM  
Blogger anedra said...

I guess..

1:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i know a bit abt autism, wanna ym me? just leave a message on my tag box but dont mention the A word


9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dena I see Austic kids everyday and assess them. So if there is anything u need to know just ask. I am glad ur baby is making progress with his speech development and belive me or not it is very common to have a delay.

2:42 AM  

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