A Guide for A Pontianak

For the past few weeks, as work has been on murderous overload mode, I have been sighted around the office looking more like Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam than a human; with hair out of place all the time. Rule: If it’s let loose and uncombed it’s considered an okay day, if it’s all scrunched up held by a clip and strands escaping everywhere, then you know it’s a bad day.

Make-up? Forget it. After the first application in the morning, and endless meetings thereafter which just ooze out the last drip of sanity you have left in your body; what’s the point of applying it again after lunch when all you want to do is pull your hair off your scalp and avoid looking at the mirror anywhere in fear of actually wanting to strangle the person staring back at you from the mirror to the heavens or hells above? Nope, forget the make-up. It’s just too much work and it goes with the mood I have been in all week. Nope I haven't been feeling pretty lately. No sirree!

And let’s not even go to what I wear to work. I might as well be in coveralls. I just wake up in the mornings, pull whatever that’s nearest, easiest and most convenient to wear and head off to work, not even checking whether I’m all colour coordinated, or not. Tough. It’s just one of those weeks you know. And you’re just waiting for the lightning to strike you, and for whatever may to come. Whatever. You know?

Yesterday, after spending an hour in a hot steamy shower, and thinking of how I have not felt like a woman off-late which was probably triggered by a comment I got from a boss along the lines of “Anedra; you ok? You look out of sorts”. He might as well have said, “You’ve been looking like a pontianak all week.” Heh.

Well anyways, after the shower and plonking myself in bed; I grabbed a book which has been on my night stand for months, waiting to be read. It tickled me tremendously.

This is what it said (in an extremely summarised version)

How to be Groomed:

1. Pedicure feet once a month (Anedra: err…like who even looks at mah feet?)

2. Must manicure. The book says “There is no point in angling for a diamond ring if you don’t have nice, groomed, kissable hands (Anedra says: No wonder he hasn’t bought me a diamond ring. So, must manicure. But does it work when you have to tumbuk sambal belacan everynight for dinner?)

3. If you use nail polish, there’s an entire definition of colours and stuff ie. Red=dangerous, vampiry, sexy siren, Nude/Cream=High maintenance, French Manicures=Control Freaks most the time Americans (Anedra: err, not French?) and glitters=ONLY if u’r fifteen (Anedra: shucks!)

4. Understand your sihouette. Concepts to remember “A body is like a cello. Your job is to work out how to play it” it goes further to quote Sophia Loren “A woman’s dress should be like a barbed wire fence; serving it’s purpose without obstructing it’s view” (Anedra: I gotta throw out them coveralls!) and most importantly, KNOW YOURSELF “Understand what you are left with when the lights go off” (Anedra: Eeeeks!)

5. White jeans, Horizontal stripes, flannel tracksuits, Blue Lipstick, Wellington Boots – BIG NO NO!

6. Brazilian wax, facials, lip hair removal twice a month if not monthly

7. Avoid getting your knickers in a twist (Anedra: Ladies, this is important! It ain’t beautiful to see ya know!)

And this one was written just for the Pontianak me

8. How to deal with bad hair days? GET A HAT!

I have finally found my guide that shall bring out the finer woman in me. For those of you who want to know more, go get “How to Walk in High Heels” by Camilla Morton at bookstores near you. It looks like this book will permanently be on my nightstand for days when I need a quick-fix and urgent guidance. Sir A.G thanks for so thoughtfully purchasing this for me. You knew, that more than anyone else you know, that this niece of yours would need it the most!

The book is fun. A long list of interesting (and to me tickling) do’s and don’ts ranging from "How to Choose High Heels" to "How to be Miss Green-Fingers Royale" or something like that, which for the life of me; 80% of which I’d never be able to do like “How to Make Curtains?” Errr..nope, don’t think I want to make any! But at least I know that I need some work done on me to make me feel like a woman to keep the Pontainak at bay; especially at times of dire stress like I have been through these past few weeks!

As for now, let me just go sort out this Pontianak thing first. I’m gonna go get me a HAT!