About A Story I Need to Write

I was asked by a friend to write about the experiences that I have been through with my Nasri. The story will be included in a book of compilation of stories from parents with children with special needs. I agreed to do it a long time ago, and I still want to do it today since it’s for a good cause. But the truth is, it is hard. In fact, everytime I write about him it is hard. It’s hard to write without going overboard with the feelings and emotions I have, knowing that perhaps half of the people who read it would probably not appreciate what I feel and worse, feeling exposed and confronting the fact that this "strong woman" image that I portray in the "outside" world..is really not all that true.

That said, I want to write about Nasri. Perhaps, writing is my only way of venting everything that I feel out to the world, and let it be heard, because I have to let it out or else I’d burst someday. I also think that there's a message in all this and that by writing this, I could perhaps somehow educate a few people in the process and make them aware that this is how it goes and this is as real as it gets. Which is why I have written about it in my blog a couple of times; and I hope I've managed to provide some enlightening to those who have come by. In the faceless world of the internet, it’s made easier. I don’t know half of the people who visit, so I really don’t care if they judge me for being a bad mom, or for even thinking my son is "not so right in the head" (unfortunately some people think like that) and I can be whatever I want to be and feel whatever I want to feel. And those I do know personally, as always, have been so, so kind.

Back to this story.

So what do I write? Do I write about the days when I feel like the world is against us? About the days I feel like hiding from everything including Nasri? About the days when I pray to God to take whatever it is that he is going through and pass it to me instead? About the days when I just go home; turn on the shower and soak myself silly until I feel human again? About the days when I fear his school will call and tell me that they don't want him there anymore? About the days when I say to God punish me but please take away his pain? Or about the days when I ask myself - Is it a punishment? Or is it a test?

I don’t know.

Then there are the beautiful things I have to share. Like the first time he pulled my hand and said “Jom, Mama!” Which were the most beautiful words I have ever heard. And no one would know how beautiful or meaningful it is for a mother to hear her four year old son say that, for the first time. Beautiful isn’t it? Or like the time he looked straight into my eyes, returned a smile when I smiled at him and how when I make funny faces at him he’d laugh and laugh endlessly like I was the funniest person in the world. Or the first day he picked up a pencil without retaliation and wrote almost effortlessly his A.B.Cs making sure he traced the dots correctly..and that beautiful look of satisfaction on his face when he finished? Or how he now wants to go everywhere hand in hand with his big brother like they are best friends?

Or, how he now runs with excitement to therapy knowing that the one hour there will be an hour of play and fun, and no longer an hour of torment? Or how blessed I have been that I have received support throughout and have ever so kind teachers from his school helping me out; even to the point of going to therapy with him so that they can learn more?Or the day when he pulled me for a hug and said “sssshhhhh” and pat my head, while I was sobbing my eyes out? Those are the times when I tell myself we’ll be ok and finally feel like the sun is shining on our side of the world. Beautiful times.

So here I am thinking of what to write. It’s still not easy. It’s not like writing about a school dinner which takes 10 minutes to write and hardly any editing involved and most importantly, not much feelings involved. You know what I mean?

I’d like to write about all the beautiful moments and how I love him more than anything and put a lot of hype into his “good” progress and what he can do well etc..etc.. But; that’s just half the story. The other half, can be pretty ugly. Do I want to share that in my story? Can I do it, in fact?


I don’t know.

(and the deadline is Sunday!! Eeeks!)