Wednesday, April 05, 2006

About A Story I Need to Write

I was asked by a friend to write about the experiences that I have been through with my Nasri. The story will be included in a book of compilation of stories from parents with children with special needs. I agreed to do it a long time ago, and I still want to do it today since it’s for a good cause. But the truth is, it is hard. In fact, everytime I write about him it is hard. It’s hard to write without going overboard with the feelings and emotions I have, knowing that perhaps half of the people who read it would probably not appreciate what I feel and worse, feeling exposed and confronting the fact that this "strong woman" image that I portray in the "outside" really not all that true.

That said, I want to write about Nasri. Perhaps, writing is my only way of venting everything that I feel out to the world, and let it be heard, because I have to let it out or else I’d burst someday. I also think that there's a message in all this and that by writing this, I could perhaps somehow educate a few people in the process and make them aware that this is how it goes and this is as real as it gets. Which is why I have written about it in my blog a couple of times; and I hope I've managed to provide some enlightening to those who have come by. In the faceless world of the internet, it’s made easier. I don’t know half of the people who visit, so I really don’t care if they judge me for being a bad mom, or for even thinking my son is "not so right in the head" (unfortunately some people think like that) and I can be whatever I want to be and feel whatever I want to feel. And those I do know personally, as always, have been so, so kind.

Back to this story.
So what do I write? Do I write about the days when I feel like the world is against us? About the days I feel like hiding from everything including Nasri? About the days when I pray to God to take whatever it is that he is going through and pass it to me instead? About the days when I just go home; turn on the shower and soak myself silly until I feel human again? About the days when I fear his school will call and tell me that they don't want him there anymore? About the days when I say to God punish me but please take away his pain? Or about the days when I ask myself - Is it a punishment? Or is it a test?

I don’t know.

Then there are the beautiful things I have to share. Like the first time he pulled my hand and said “Jom, Mama!” Which were the most beautiful words I have ever heard. And no one would know how beautiful or meaningful it is for a mother to hear her four year old son say that, for the first time. Beautiful isn’t it? Or like the time he looked straight into my eyes, returned a smile when I smiled at him and how when I make funny faces at him he’d laugh and laugh endlessly like I was the funniest person in the world. Or the first day he picked up a pencil without retaliation and wrote almost effortlessly his A.B.Cs making sure he traced the dots correctly..and that beautiful look of satisfaction on his face when he finished? Or how he now wants to go everywhere hand in hand with his big brother like they are best friends?
Or, how he now runs with excitement to therapy knowing that the one hour there will be an hour of play and fun, and no longer an hour of torment? Or how blessed I have been that I have received support throughout and have ever so kind teachers from his school helping me out; even to the point of going to therapy with him so that they can learn more?Or the day when he pulled me for a hug and said “sssshhhhh” and pat my head, while I was sobbing my eyes out? Those are the times when I tell myself we’ll be ok and finally feel like the sun is shining on our side of the world. Beautiful times.

So here I am thinking of what to write. It’s still not easy. It’s not like writing about a school dinner which takes 10 minutes to write and hardly any editing involved and most importantly, not much feelings involved. You know what I mean?

I’d like to write about all the beautiful moments and how I love him more than anything and put a lot of hype into his “good” progress and what he can do well etc..etc.. But; that’s just half the story. The other half, can be pretty ugly. Do I want to share that in my story? Can I do it, in fact?

I don’t know.

(and the deadline is Sunday!! Eeeks!)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

c'mere you!! *big teddybear hug*
he is indeed blessed, for having a mother like you. and you are indeed special, for being blessed with a wonderful son like nasri is..unconditional love, my dear..unconditional love..

i'd trade places with you anytime to experience the joy of being a mom.


8:27 PM  
Blogger OOD said...

as usual, when i angkat my topi it usually means i dont quite know how to say what i want to say.

*angkat topi*

and you know i sayang you. and the menantu yang tengah rebut with nazrah tu.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

dena, we are here with u. and nasri is doing fine. i know he is. he will be fine.

11:03 PM  
Blogger LifeBloom said...

Just write honestly. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Therapeutic for you and it will be a learning experience for us all. My goddaughter is a DS baby and although I can share her mum's feelings - I can never claim to fully understand and comprehend her feelings.

There is a hikmah behind every one of life's tests. The best we can do is to accept it with fortitude and redha and to always turn to the Almighty for benevolence and guidance.

You are a great mum and doing your best. I know baby Nasri will do fine. InsyaAllah.

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my dear sis dena yg I nak sangat jumpa..

I will never understand how u feel cos I m not in your shoes..
one thing for sure, nasri is one lucky kid to have you as a mom and vice versa..
hang in there sis..dugaan ALlah hanya diberi kepada yg cekal menghadapinya..


11:57 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

nef:i hope u get to be a mommy one day. the feeling is phenomenal! out of this worls..nothing compares really. thanks. big hugs to u too!

oody: I sayang u back!! weii, bila nak gi makan-makan ni?

kakteh: insyaallah oteh oii..insyallah!! big weekend coming up!! will update you!

lifebloom: thanks. that's what I always tell myself..there's a hikm,ah behind this I am sure! And about being honest with the're right. that's the only way to go ya?? Now gotta go figure opening line! pening..pening..

AE84: thanks so much. ya lah..bila lah kita nak jumpa ni? I'm in ampang..any chance of u living nearby?

12:35 AM  
Blogger RedKebaya said...

dear anedra, just hang in there and the hikmahs will unfold insyallah. laaa... ada dateline ke?!?? i'm supposed to write about my son tapi so much has been happening i've completely forgot about it *bangs head on wall* sheesh i could shoot myself (tapi wont la nanti termati lak langsung tak berbau jannah hehe). neeways good luck hon :)

1:02 AM  
Blogger Ms.B said...

Just write from the heart, babes. Let it all out, both the good and the bad. Because that's what's REAL, kan? Allah loves the both of you, and that's why He has given you each other. Like what nef said, I'd trade places with you also to be a mom. *HUGS*

[Tapi kalau editor dia banyak songel and edit terlebih2 pulak, cubit tangan dia sikit!! Pandai2 pulak nak edit orang punya life story kan? :D ]

2:06 AM  
Blogger Ms.B said...

Just write from the heart, babes. Let it all out, both the good and the bad. Because that's what's REAL, kan? Allah loves the both of you, and that's why He has given you each other. Like what nef said, I'd trade places with you also to be a mom. *HUGS*

[Tapi kalau editor dia banyak songel and edit terlebih2 pulak, cubit tangan dia sikit!! Pandai2 pulak nak edit orang punya life story kan? :D ]

2:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey kita sekampung!! m also in that area..somewhere near kemensah heights..and u?
will definitely make a point to cari-u-sampai-jumpa masa treasure hunt..saw your name as one of the participants in the website..
see you then ok..

2:11 AM  
Blogger anedra said...

redkebaya: i dont know about you..but I have one! hehe..what to write haaa? and yes..jangan pegi hantuk kapla..not worth it!! life is short and it is beautiful!

blabs: blabs honey, i shall TRY, I shall TRY! Kalau u nak pinjam anak I for a while..boley jugak!! hehe!

AE84: OMIGOD!!! I LIVE at Kemensah Heights! Email me!!

2:25 AM  
Blogger rose said...

you'll be just fine coz you're definitely stronger than many other moms (with yours truly included). I'll never know when my dugaan will come.. so hang in there..

2:57 AM  
Anonymous diplomatz NYC said...

Write how he talks out loud in his own beautiful language trying to get our attention… Write how his eyes gleam when he sees you coming back home from work… Write how he runs up to the car wanting you to take him on a journey… Write how he stares out of the window curious of the world that evolves around him, fascinated by what causes it… Write how much fun he has when you take him to the zoo… Write how the elder brother doesn’t want the car to leave without the little one around… write how he get angry when I ruffle his hair and how happy he gets sliding down uncle’s or granddads sarong thinking it’s a slide… Share your story how all of us have grown together… Write how he touches our lives, with love, laughter, smiles and warmth … Write how he embraces you and us… how he creates the beautiful changes within ourselves… Write how he has made us better people… how he has made us search deep and share our inner selves so as to grow more as caring and spiritual beings… Write how passionate he can be about many things... so many things to write... so many things to share… Tell the story... a story that I know people already envy… Tell the story of my nephew, the gift from Allah that we all so much love…

10:59 AM  
Anonymous diplomatz nyc said...

.... and if you find it hard to write... Tell me sis.. I'll write with you...

11:01 AM  
Blogger About Blogreader said...

That's sweet Diplomatz. And Anedra, on the aspect of writing, I think people read about others because they are searching for a truth about themselves. When he [quote from above] "stares out of the window curious of the world that evolves around him, fascinated by what causes it", I have to admit it strikes a chord in myself on a human level. As for your reactions as a mother to a child with special needs, I'm sure I would be able to relate somehow -- even though I have no children. So write away! I'd love to read it.

7:45 PM  
Blogger narfnarf said...

slow slow kak dena babes. just try and write when you can, i'm with blabs, write from your heart. bismillahhhh.


8:58 PM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

yes, dena, write about how, even in what we perceived as a lonely world of his, he still recognised his oteh after months and months away, how, he reaches out for my hand to take him for a walk. Tell about the evening I spent with him in that room and about his fascination with all things mechanicals - his almost photographic memory. Nasri has brought us even closer together and nasri has enriched our lives. As your aunty, if i can take the pain and worry from you, I'd do it. If only for a day, I can let you sleep and rest, I would for I have seen how tired you are, but i have also seen the patience and the love. dont despair.

11:02 PM  
Blogger Queen Of The House said...

I am sure you can write it beautifully, however you write it. And I can't wait to read it. ((( hugs )))

12:00 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Imagine you are in his shoes. Looking at the world from his eyes. Trying to make sense of what's going on. Or how certain things don't make sense to you. How some people can be cruel. How some people can be so nice to you. How nice to go to the therapy. Playing. Giggling. Knowing that amidst all this there's someone who will stand by him no matter what. And that person is Anedra.

Write it!

12:11 AM  
Blogger Nazrah said...

monyet pun berkata: aku tak kira aku nak juga!!!

even if i have to wrestle oody to berbesan with you...

easy does it. if u have a baby book or an album, or video footages, go through them, celebrate every achievement, learn from the little glitches, hang ups and hiccups.who knows one day, he'll be able to read about the special story that his mom has weaved about him, and from which many others are able to learn.

2:03 AM  
Blogger swan said...

you know you can do it Dena. I am looking forward to read your beautiful story so I can learn how to cope from you. I am sure the time will come soon when we could lean on each other.

10:26 AM  
Blogger anggerik merah said...

All I can say, it is good to let go and express the emotion. It makes us feel good and move on..

2:31 AM  
Blogger Nazrah said...

cr*p! i messed up my grammar

correction: has woven...

marah cikgu saya nanti, dah lah cikgu saya bapak awak..heh heh!

6:56 AM  
Anonymous ceti said...

...drumming fingers

...tapping foot

...looking at the wrist watch

he he he

2:19 PM  
Anonymous atn said...

close yr eyes & listen to yr heart & write, ok

2:20 PM  
Blogger Ely said...

so did u ever get to write anything dahling?

5:15 PM  
Blogger mommy@lif said...

dena, this entry brought tears to my eyes cos i can feel the honesty in you. am sure people want to know the 'ugly' and pretty moments.

sokong diplomatz n bergen' views on how you should approach your subject.
good luck ((hugs))

1:04 AM  
Blogger anedra said...

to everybody that came: THANKS EVER SO MUCH for your comments, thoughts and as always your support. I would love to address yr comments personally but as it is I am swamped with a tender that is due in a couple of days!!! (Anyone from Shell??? I NEED AN EXTENSION!!!!!!)
As for the story, well, the first few lines have been written and we'll see how it goes! Thanks and much love again!!

To the Ceti: I NEED AN EXTENSION!!! Maybe on my way to Miri I'll cook up something.. You know the skies always inspire me kan?

To the Diplomatz: Thanks bro! You're one in a zillion/trillion/gazillion and I miss you! You wd have written this so well actually. You're good at stuff like this. Love ya!

1:36 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Happy Birthday, ma'am.

9:45 PM  
Blogger MA said...

Dear Fellow Birthdate-Mate :


Today, 12th of April 2006.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Nong said...

Ada hikmah bagi setiap pemberian tuhan.

BTW, Happy birthday.

11:40 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

Bergen: thanks sir..looking forward to this 17th year! hehehe..

MA: Happy Birthday! Muah! mUah!Muah! And so now we know that great people are born on the 12th of April, eh? haha!

Nong: Thank you!

11:54 PM  
Blogger maklang said...

Happy birthday....

12th April 2006

4:42 AM  
Blogger rose said...

Happy Belated Birthday *mwahs* from an Aries to another :)
Masuk treasure hunt tak? If yes, hope to meet up with you next Sat *hugz*

8:32 PM  
Blogger AuntyN said...

Walau dah wish kat blog tu,still nak wish sini jugak Hehehe, greedy kuasa ni kan?

Happy Birthday Dena.

You are a wonderful mom with Nasri. People like me will not understand the things you go thru with him, so please educate us. InsyaAllah we will will be able to feel how you feel, cry with you, laugh with you. Don't spare us the knowledge, be generous with it. It is ilmu Allah for all to benefit. So what are you waiting for? Write the book ok?

Hugs hugs,

10:01 PM  
Blogger KLMari said...

Dear Anedra, I came across your blog after blog-hopping dari AuntyN's. Still dalam progress mengkhatamkan blog you, just started semalam. Anyway, I really hope you will write about the experiences that you've been through with your son. You see, my girl is Down Syndrome. So teringin jugak nak tau macam mana pengalaman other parents with children with special needs. So, please do write. Would love to read about it. Take care...and always remember, you are the best mom Nasri could ever had. He'll be great...:)

12:55 AM  
Blogger Noni said...

Dear D,

no amount of reading or watching discovery channel can ever prepare u for the challenges of a child with special needs nor educate u sufficiently. No one can ever truly understand ur feelings, u have to live it to know it. No 2 children are the same just as no 2 mothers are the same. While ur the kind who marvels when ur son grabs ur hand to say 'jom mama', there are other mothers who would slap these hands away to stop the children from whining. Every little thing u do for and because of Nasri earns u 100x brownie points in the eyes of Allah, just because.... I might never catch up.

I envy all the love and support that u have managed to rally from this blog alone... 36 comments all inspired by Nasri. He is very special and you are very blessed.

Because I am not as witty nor eloquent as Kak teh please allow me to quote Mr. Rick Price... "when the walls of ur world, come crumbling down, when ur heart starts breaking and there's no one around, just look over ur shoulders wherever u r, rememeber... ur never alone..." hehe... nasib baik bagik credit tau!!!

But more seriously, just look into your heart and find him in there. Whatever you choose to write about I for one will cherish in reading... not to mention all ur loyal readers in here.

@ Diplomatz nyc...

hi, i am assuming ur dena's and diana's brother. Reading ur comment made me cry buckets and buckets... it was beautiful.

I am convinced that Kak teh's family has an extra choromosome that enables them to paint life so beautifully with words. The only way for my descendants to kenen this chromosome is to marry into this family... that's it D... u can masuk meminang my anak dara TOMORROW... express lane... no need to take number...

alamak D... just realized i dah tertinggal ketapi again... no matter... we koling koling and do dinner soon k?

7:36 PM  
Blogger Noni said...

@ the diplomatz

".... and if you find it hard to write... Tell me sis.. I'll write with you..."

does this apply to flying too? No wonder it sounded so familiar...

9:08 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

maklang: thanks!

rose: thanks! was supposed to be at the treasure hunt; but work calls!!Haiya! Will have to meet u some other time then! oh, and happy birthday to you too! Am I late in wishing u this?

auntn: nevermind..u know u can greesy kuasa here anytime!! And, thanks a lot!!

klmari: thanks for the support. I think we parents have a lot to share with each other. I cant tell how much it means to me to be able to relate with other parents like me, and also to help in my own way. At least we know that we are not alone in this world..and that there is HOPE. All the best to you!

Noni: Alahai u made ME cry buckets! I do have a great family and I have great support from blogfriends. It's a wunnerful-wunnerful world..innit??

About the family..yes, they do write well. SOme, too well, that I get afraid to write, takut someone datang buat spellcheck! Lepas tu sms.."Clean-up your blog!! Too many typos!". Hehe!

Btw, THE DIPLOMATZ is single you know! haha! LELONG!LELONG!

9:45 AM  
Blogger rose said...

am really looking forward to meet up this Sat but work comes first, else tak berasap dapur *LOL*
re birthday, no worries coz can celebrate birthday for the whole year ma :p
hang in there sis *hugz*

6:44 PM  
Anonymous diplomatz nyc said...

sis: lelong??!!! I don't think we wanna start that all over again....

noni: never did think of it that way.. until you brought it up...yeah.. it does sound familiar!!! hehehehe.. anyways i'm not in the flying business...

2:12 PM  
Blogger Ms.B said...

Hello you! Must be busy as a work-ant, eh! Shall check from time to time!

6:46 PM  
Blogger dee3 said...

sebak.. sebak...

6:38 PM  

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