Thursday, May 12, 2005

On Divorce and Poligamy and Etc Etc

Atenah started this, and now I have to blog about it too.

My teh tarik pals and I find this a frequent hot topic for discussion when we meet. So, what do you do if your husband decides to marry another one?

Do you leave...or NOT?
Do you fight for him..or not?
Do you share him with the other woman.. or not?

Whether we like it or not, it is soomething, everyone in a marriage/relationship thinks about. It is real, and it is serious.

I know a person, who married his second one not too long ago. I asked him why he did it, and his answer was simple and straight, "because I can AFFORD it". He didn't want to divorce Wife #1, but she filed for one anyway..and they are going through proceedings as I write this.

Should I put myself in her shoes..Right now, at this current moment, in my position right now, on a first instict sorta thing..I'd have done the same. But should I take it a little further, I'd think again, it's easier said than done. SO much is at stake, the kids, your extended family, friends, in fact your whole life that you've built together. Can you just pack up and leave, just like that?

In my chats on this with my teh tarik pals, I have told them that if my husband were to want to marry another, I'd just say GO AHEAD and in fact, lay a red carpet for him to do so.(NAUZUBILLAH tho' and I'd probably kill N first at the very mention of it!!) I told them..I'm not and would not be so hard up for a person who does not want me. (errr..that's the sombong and riak "me" talking).

It's scary isn't it, when you find that men take up second wives because they can AFFORD it? I mean, is that right? I'm sure a million men out there could financially afford more wives than one and if everyone were to think like this friend of mine..what would happen to this world?? But I'm sure when God said Muslim men can take up 4 wives, he had a zillion conditions attached to it..(most of which we do not hear of today) and the most important being the fact that you have to be FAIR. Its almost impossible to be FAIR. And its something that I think a lot of muslim men take lightly.. Fairness is not only in the amount of material wealth you provide for your wives but it has got to be in every single sense..and that's gotta be tough. Can you be fair in the amount of love that you give your wives and lets not get into sex! Think twice guys!

I know a lady whose husband married a second and the second wife got pregnant. This lady I know immediately went to the husband and said, I want a baby too. Imagine? Having to have sex and produce a child, just have to equalise stuff you do. Tough, I say especially when you're almost 50!

Another guy I know who took up a second one goes a bit overboard with his fairness. One week he takes his first wife and kids for a holiday at some resort. The week after, he goes back to the same resort, same room with his second wife. All in the name of fairness. I think he's nuts.

Some people think its normal, to have many wives and that it should not be questioned. I agree, it shouldn't be questionned if it is done for the right reasons and in the right way. Otherwise, it is NOT normal. How can you subject your children to having "part-time" fathers and/or mothers when other kids have their parents all the time?. How do you expect your wives to sleep and have sex with you knowing that you will go home to another woman the next night, and repeat the same, without her feeling the tiniest bit of hurt and sadness? Someone loses out at the end of the day..and when that can't be right, can it?

I suppose for us women, to ask for a divorce is easily said and done, if you have a lot of money and you know exactly what to do straight after, but we're not always in that position.

Then again, to not ask for a divorce, will only bring heartache (for me at least), because, I wouldn't be able to live with a part-time husband, and wouldn't be able to watch my kids suffer going through the separation and having a part-time dad. Its just not right.

To put things straight, I am not putting men at blame for all this. It takes two to tango and there are women who cause households to shatter too. I just think that people today take marriage for granted without realising that its hard..hard work. We probably marry for the wrong reasons. Is LOVE a good enough reason to marry, will LOVE see us through "till-death-do-us part"?

Having said all I have said.. I still do not know for sure what I'd do if such decisions have to cross my path. Maybe I am still naive in my thoughts. Maybe someone out there could shed some light and perspective on this??

N, however, is very simple when it comes to this. He says..

"then we just have to make it work, don't we?"


Blogger About Blogreader said...

My goodness, a very scary topic. I must say I'm very puzzled at men and women who wish to exist in a threesome. But I suppose, to a lady who despises her husband yet does not want to give up the privileges, a second wife would be quite a boon! On another note, it also says a lot about the quality of Malay men. There must not be many nice ones around - so, if have, must share lah.

2:30 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

blogreader: you're right. and all I can say about the quality of both sexes today - SCARY.

7:42 PM  
Blogger SC said...

after thinking about it for about 10 secs.I'd go with-kill the bugger first before signing that permission letter.


2:40 AM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

i'd do the bobbit first.

4:13 AM  
Blogger shidah said...

i'll handle it if it happens. how? will depend. till then, nauzubillah....

4:18 AM  
Blogger anedra said...

SC/KakTeh/Shidah : i pray that you are in the hands of loving, sane and decent men. So, you'll never have to go through this and become potential murderers!

KakTeh, I know you're ok, cos if MrKakTeh does it, its just a BIG sign that the world REALLY is coming to an end! He just doesn't have it in him.

5:14 AM  
Blogger born-again drama queen said...

i'll walk man is worth the heartache, honey. getting another wife is like a slap on the's a way of saying that i'm not good enough for him..dok gitu?

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is easier said than done, but we have to remember one thing, who are we to "mengharamkan sesuatu yang dihalalkan Allah".

11:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

true, it's halal. nobody ever said that it's haram. the same thing goes with wanting out if one is no longer happy with the partner. why torture ourselves and pretend that everything is fine and dandy when things are not ok?

12:59 AM  
Blogger anedra said...

all I have to say is this, we all have our rights in Islam, men AND women. For women, we can choose to live in a threesome and we can choose not to. Lets just be sure that whatever we do in life, is done for the right reasons and in the right way.

1:20 AM  
Blogger De'Kapai said...

OOOOOooooo very interesting topic, wouldnt want to say much, except that If it is destine to be on your Path, just remember that Allah has His reasons and who r we to say that we dont deserve it? We r here for Him. Another thing is tat we are just too "busy" quantifying our loses rather than "understanding and believing" wat Poligamy in Islam means. Wat was promised by Him.... ( nope !! I'm not marrying another one, it is just that i came accross a ceramah agama tape that explain this Poligamy thing!!!) Be careful of your comments as it could affect your syahadah......

10:39 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

betol..betol..maybe you shd blog abt the tape on yr blog and enlighten us?

yeah..and u'd better not even think of it or mrs de kapai will be after you with a kapak!

12:21 AM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

and then he we be - de'kapaked insetad of de' kapai! hehehe!!

2:30 PM  
Blogger narfnarf said...

Whenever someone pulls that "it's wrong to mengharamkan something that is halal" card regarding this topic...I see red. Like you said, anedra, I'm sure that when God said it was OK to marry 4, there are a million and one (and more!) conditions attached to it. Forcing a wife to stay in a marriage she doesn't want to be in just because you took on another wife and worse, expect her to accept it and be happy, is NOT fair and cannot be right. I'm sorry. I know the hurt and damage it can cause to a family...damage that is irreparable. And God Is Fair. If you think it is halal to sacrifice the happiness and well-being of a whole family just to satisfy the father, head of the family may he be...well then...all I can say is...only to God will you return. Yes, I know that God allowed polygamy for a reason, a reason that I prob do not and could not fathom. It prob does work with some families. If it does, all good for them, Alhamdulillah. But if it doesn't, don't pull out that card. God gave us a brain and heart to think for ourselves, what will work and what won't for us. Just because we can do it, doesn't mean we must, and doesn't mean it's right for all of us either. Sorry...terpanjang pulak.

5:19 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

kakteh: dekapai terkapak- that'll make headline news!

narfnarf : you said it so well!

10:29 PM  
Blogger atenah said...

aisehman, i ketinggalan kapai le, baru nak join the discussion

10:49 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

atenah : yes, u missed the boat!

8:28 PM  
Anonymous myownthoughts said...

the discussion was brought up one night between us. first and foremost i reminded him of his mother's advice not to practice polygamy. siangg (kesian) ke budok-budok. i ask him that do you want to choose to become a biscuit father to your kids ? i mean, will anyone die (the husband or that other woman) will die if not married. zaman doeloe ye lah, kat tanah arab, perempuan tak kahwin nak keluar rumah pun payah takde mahram. kat malaysia ni - single ladies with clear head boleh hidup.and i will invite the other lady to STAY with us for a week (of course in another room) and see for herself what type of man is my husband. and i say afterthat if the two of them still want to go ahead with the marriage then what can i say - so we (my kids and me) will say hi hi bye bye. Bukan satu jalan ke syurga - wallahualam.

9:11 AM  

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