Uninteresting-Feeling Flat-Toner

*THIS ENTRY IS DEDICATED TO AN OLD DEAR FRIEND JAJA WHO NAMED ME FLAT-TONER WAY BACK IN 1990*

When I am in a group of people, I sometimes get this nudging pokey-poke feeling that I am a bore and not intelligent enough to be interesting. Outside the comforts of home where people have no choice but to worship me (I am the Queen of the Castle, am I not?) and the busy daily hustle and bustle of the office where people respect me (I hope!) for being a so called “expert” in what I do, I feel like the thoughts in my brain just swirl around in lazy, hazy circles, hence rendering me quite thoughtless and perhaps uninteresting.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to wallow in self-pity, nor am I fishing for supportive compliments from friends whom I know will insist that I am clever and interesting etc. They love me and the thing with love is that, it is not only blind, but it also makes our senses numb and renders us biased towards those we love.

Recently, I was very fortunate to be in the company of some very interesting, clever people. Oh, how I live for such conversation and how I love listening to those people share their experiences in such witty ways. I could’ve sat there all day and listened to everything they had to say. Topics ranged from politics, the “younger generation”, the “London Bombings” etc. I had a few thoughts and opinions of my own to offer but it went all jumbled in mysterious confusing sentences, floating about somewhere in my so-called brain, that letting it out, would cause severe damage to my reputation and bring “nama buruk” to my friend who so kindly brought me with her for this lunch thing. Oh well.

I drove back very content and satisfied that I had such a fulfilling encounter with such intelligent lovely people. And then thought, “wouldn’t it have been better if I could give that back in return?” You know, equally interesting, intriguing, thought provoking conversation?

I suppose, I could give people a run for their money if they talked about offshore construction (but who wants to talk about that??), cleanliness of toilets, raising toddler boys, and blah..blah..blah.. And when digging further, I probably do not contribute much apart from nods and approving laughs and generously smiling, this issue of no-opinion is probably because I don’t feel strongly about much at all!

Say for example, the Anwar Ibrahim issue, his RM4.5m libel suit and all. What do I think about it? I think it’s good that it’s over and done with. The courts have done their job, Anwar may never get his money since you know who is bedridden in hospital and all and that’s that! And now that that’s over, let’s get on with life.

See what I mean?

Digging deeper into this, I know exactly why. It is not that I am not intelligent to the point that I can be uninteresting..(haha!) I do have very interesting thoughts that don’t come out right in words or at least that’s what I think!! Instead they stay in mushy grey matters in my lil zonked brain upstairs. And it is really because I am a “FLAT TONER”, a name that close friends (Jaja was behind this!) from that blessed old school in Johor who have righteously labelled me with!

What my friends have observed about me is this. I don’t feel (or so it appears) and therefore, I appear unopinionated. I do not have much expression and have been claimed to be anti-climax. People could be very excited about stuff, and I would be excited but I'd probably not say the right cheerful exciting stuff and be quite expressionless. People could be very sad, but I would share their sorrows, but not say the right things nor show the right expression. Yes, VERY me!! I am probably too rational, too unbiased that whatever happens, I don't feel much about it?

There is an upside to this Flat-Toner thing though, according to my employers, is that when I am expressionless, it makes me a good person to bring for negotiations. I don't give away much through my expressions, which is supposedly good and which is why I do what I do now.

Why I am thinking about this? Well, because those ladies were inspiring and are what I would want to be in 10-20 years time. I would like to have an audience of young people come talk to Anedra and leave thinking, they had gained something. Maintaining the Flat-Toner Anedra stance is something I have to change. I have to let my guards down once in a while, wake my sleepy senses up and learn to feel more and stronger about things which are important to me, at the very least. Maybe then, I could really give and share something back. Something a Flat-Toner would not do so well eh?