Why I live

I was late...again. Just the normal almost-everyday thing where I oversleep. If there were an Olympics race for who could sleep the most, the longest..I'd win. I swear I would. So here I am rushing again, late for work, AGAIN and now having my "P-Ramlee" bath.. (for those who don't know it's one where you only wet yrself with less than 5 drops of water, if not less) and brush my teeth. All the while cursing..everything! My tardiness, my job, my life, the toothpaste, the water heater etc..etc.. Everything!

Rushing down the stairs I kiss my two sons who were getting ready for school and dash for the door. Bad Mom! Not even time to have a proper breakfast with my sons! Bad!Bad! Promise to make up later with chocs, toys, a swimming outing, game boys, Sony Playstations, Zoo trip etc. Typical of the average working mom, going through the everyday Guilt Trip.

As I reverse out from the garage, I hear a childs voice yelling. "Mama!Mama! Wait!" I stop and wind down the windows. There he was, my eldesr naked (haiya!!) having rushed out of the bathroom and says with a big grin. "I WUV YOU OK???" I tell him I love him too. Then it came..a warm tingly feeling that spread all over my angry still sleepy soul. It was the "Mama, I yuv you". The dreadful morning and the jam on the MRR2 was suddenly so beautiful and blessed.

It made it worth every goddamn thing I go through.

What is it?

Tears were pouring down my face as drove back home from work that night some three months back. My two sons were just out of hospital which should've been a relief but instead I was advised that my lil sunshine, baby N, had to see a child psychiatrist. He was turning three and could speak less than 10 words. "Autism" was the word the doctor had used.It was probable. The ugliest word that was ever spoken to me..ever.

No one (i thought) would ever understand how angry, sad and confused I felt at the time. I kept blaming myself for everything I had done and not done from pregnancy to birth to not being there for him etc.. etc..etc.. I knew I was the worse mother in the world! And I was alone, in that sense for, even though I could share my fears and worries with my husband, family and friends, no one could truly know what I felt. How could anyone comprehend how shattered I was deep inside and the depth of the pain from the guilt I had to bear.

Each day I prayed for strength and courage and for enlightenment and guidance on what to do. Most of all, I prayed for Allah to take away the burden from my son and pass it to me. For it was..no matter what, somehow, my fault. The guilt and the pain never waivered. And I bear it with me now in each passing day.

Allah has listened though, for we have persevered and the psychiatrist has assessed baby N to be NON-AUTISTIC but with a mild development delay which we have to work on. So, we have been undergoing a twice-weekly therapy session on speech etc and Baby N is doing spendidly well and has just joined kindergarten with his Big Bro. He is finally picking up words and learning to be friends with other children. Baby N is still far from being like kids his age but he is trying hard I can see. It's not easy. For me and for him.

I live for the day when I can talk to him, and when baby N can talk back. I live for the day that baby N can voice out his thoughts and feelings like his brother and friends. But the journey is still half travelled. And I cry to sleep every night when I put him to bed and think of the struggle he is going through.

Deep inside, I believe, he has a great future in front of him. He has to have it! And, that's a promise I make to him everyday and for that I must and will be strong.

So, we all know and I keep reminding myself that everything in life is for a reason. And some believe that everything that happens is for a GOOD reason. For Allah has said and promised so.

Question is, what EXACTLY is Allah's message to me?