STUFF

I wanna go home but its friday evening and anybody who knows anything about KL is that the jam gets doubly horrible and that it only makes a bad start to your lovely weekend even if you just TRY to brave though it. So no thanks, I'll stay in the comfort of my office till a lil bit later in an attempt to NOT mar all the good good plans I have for this long-long labour day weekend and will instead just blog about STUFF.


1. MAKE FRIENDS WHILE STUCK IN JAM
On the way to work this morning while stuck in the jam, I saw this guy in a black BMW in front of me pass a name card to this lady in an Orange Gen2. Hmmmmm...Interesting way of meeting new people and making new friends while bored on way to work?? Maybe I should try? Looked to my right and saw sweaty-angry looking lorry-balak driver. Maybe NOT.

2. YOU THINK YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHEN SUDDENLY....ITS UNIT TRUST

Received call from lady I KNEW and spoke to less than TWICE something like 10 years ago. Spoke to me like I was long lost best buddy which kept me wondering WHAT'S UP???? Rupanya..wanted to sell unit trust...

I S H O U L D H A VE F * * * I N G K N O W N ! ! !

3. OLD WOMAN ACTING YOUNG FINDS HERSELF IN HOSPITAL

Talking about my MOMMY. Fractured her arm and will be in cast for next six months. Walked fast at shopping mall and could not brake in time when she approached a ramp. Fell and fainted and landed in Emergency Ward of Pantai Hospital..(Note:Kakteh and I agreed that the fainting was all her being the DRAMA QUEEN!) Sorry Mom!!!. While in emergency ward, I thought of BLUE SCRUBS!!(How could I not?!) Mommy somehow deserves this lesson, always walking fast, always in a rush for something. She really needs to slow down. So MOM..listen to DOCTOR. And remember the word OSTEOPOROSIS - YOU HAVE IT. And don't be angry at me for nagging..Quote "it's only because I LOVE YOU". Unquote.

4. BOYS SCHOOL TRIP TO THE ZOO

My boys, despite visiting the zoo at an average of once monthly (we live just by the zoo walls) INSISTED that they follow their classmates at the kindergarten to the zoo!
They saw the HAWKERDILES and the KANDAROOS and the DINOSAURS (rhinos actually but they insist otherwise) and the TUTTERFRIES. Missed it. Wish I was there..

5. SUPER DUPER DAUGHTER IN LAW
Went to a family gathering with in laws yesterday alone since N was away meeting CLients in Miri. Aunts and uncles and sisters and cousins etc etc were sooo impressed that I came ALLLLL the way in the middle of the night ALLLL BY MYSELF to visit an ailing aunt whom I didn't even know!! It was of course done with much sincerity.. but OOOHHH I SO SCORE BROWNIE POINTS! *wink*wink*

6. WHAT KAK TEH WAS UP TO
The night mommy got herself into the hospital, made long distance call to KAKteh to yack about STUFF and to find out why she hasn't blogged for so long! Rupanya, she was struggling through LAST MINUTE HOMEWORK. Haii..perangai dari sekolah sampai sekarang tak berubah! Weren't you the one who also got arwah Tok to sign your report card early in the morning when he couldn't see all the vibrant colours on the card??? Its in the family isn;t it??? hehe!

7. HAPPY LABOUR DAY EVERYBODY!!!
This kuli-kang will be celebrating!!

Ciao y'all!

My Daddy's Story

When I was younger, I always questioned my parents on why I was darker than my other siblings complaining and sometimes thinking that I was an anak angkat although my resemblance to my dad is so similar that it's not funny. I was never really given an answer though until several years later, when my dad finally answered my question in one of his emails to me while I was at uni.

It went something like this..

____________________________________________________________________________________

The night before you were born, your mom and I stayed up playing scrabble. In the middle of the game, she started her contraction pains so i rushed her to the hospital. She was in labour for quite a while so in the morning I decided to go to work.

Unfortunately, when you were born later that afternoon, I was not there to greet you into this world. Instead, your Pak Tam was there. (Pak Tam is my Mak Tam's husband and is quite hiTAM!) Actually, I was told that when you first came out into this world, you were fair.. but when you saw Pak Tam, you must have liked him so much that you decided to change colours and become like him..a bit hitam! I know..its my fault. If I were there it would not have happened.

Then, when we took you home, you were down with jaundice. Mama left me with the responsibility of "sun-bathing" you in the garden in the attempt to cure the jaundice. SOmehow I got carried away the things that I was doing and left you for a long-long time in the garden until you got burnt and became a bit MORE hitam. Again..my fault.

So you see D, it is MY fault that you are darker than your siblings but please have no more doubt that you are definitely our daughter.

....*and the mail goes on and on to tell me to study and trying to korek on my latest love life which really deserves another blog altogether*

Love,
Dad

____________________________________________________________________________________

Don't really know what triggered this mail and the story (guilt perhaps???)but it is one that I just love and will remember all my life. Its probably closure of some sort for me??

At least finally my question was answered. And I guess I can live with my Dad's excuses! I love him anyways!

my dad who made me hitam

A Lesson from Death

I lost an aunt a month ago. She must have been the closest relative I have lost to Death..ever. Her death brought me a painful feeling of grief that I had never felt before. Seeing an aunt suffer at the mercy of her cancer, remembering the way she used to be, and then see her so hopeless, helpless..clinging on to dear life.

We all knew that Mak Lang was going. The doctors had pre-empted it and gave us a countdown of sorts. And one day, it came.. She had only three days MAX. The news came to me via sms from my mom.."Mak Lang has 3 more days.." I was numb..I didn;t know what to feel. And me being me, I just shut myself out. Just watching her from the cracks of the door of her hospital room, tears gushing down my cheeks and later rush out to cry, on my own. I just couldn't take it.. I couldn't face her cos I didn't want to let her go. Not her, not any of my family!

I had though, been visiting my Mak Lang on and off, when she was healthier, before she was hospitalised in her last final days since she lives close by. I found a new bond that I have never had with her, partly because, I suppose, among all other nieces and nephews..I was always away..at boarding school, at uni..One evening, I was left alone with her at her home while my uncle went out to get her medication. She could barely talk..but she always wanted me to hold her hand, or rub her back. I was happy, at that time, cos at last, somehow, in my small tiny way, I did something for her.

My Mak Lang finally passed on in front of all her family, siblings, in laws and closest friends. She died in the bravest and admirable way one could. She had already asked for forgiveness from everyone and spent her last days reciting the Quran and when she no longer could, she listened to the voice of her husband reciting verses of God to her. Finally, when she couldn't take it anymore, and I believe it was when she knew she had nothing else to hold on for, she slowly let herself go to the hands of God.

And now she is gone, and we all miss her. Her husband and children the most. What makes me most sad is my uncle, her husband. Its been a month and there isn't a day that passes by that he does not think of her or stop talking about her. We would go to their home and help clean up. He'd say "Jangan alih, Mak Lang letak situ". The first week following her death, he could hardly get himself to go home. He'd say "It's so lonely, I can see her every where I go..but she's not there. I can still smell her.." and tears would well up in his eyes. He sleeps at night, with a stack of her clothes piled up on her side of the bed because "it feels empty..tak biasa lagi."

Last week when I came home from work, he was at my place having a coffee with my parents who would drop by every Friday. He couldn't stop talking about her the whole 6 hours he was there. Reminiscing the past, reminiscing her final days, telling us what she said, what she felt and all the things he could remember about her. Every single thing he saw, every thing he did reminded him of his wife. He saw the daily newspaper in my living room and said to me,"I don't buy newspapers anymore. It's too painful. It used to be my morning routine to go out and buy the paper and send it home to your Mak Lang. But I can't do that anymore"

Last night, he was there again, with my parents and I asked him to stay for dinner. I feel sad when I look at him..Pak Lang used to be the happiest man ever, always joking around, never once serious, always cracking up with jokes. And now..it seems that its hard for him to even work out a smile. He tries though..his lips form a small crescent of a smile, but his eyes betray him, always so sad, missing his wife.

In a way, I feel afraid when I see him. Looking at him makes me think of the day when I have to face death. Not only mine, but of those I love...Would I be able to witness and then live through the death my N, my children, my parents, brother or sister, my aunts and uncles if it comes before mine?? The thought has been lurking at the back of my mind..Will I be able to take it?? I know the answer already..No! It would be too painful to bear. Will I be strong enough?? Maybe on the surface, but I know my heart won't be able to take it and that deep inside I'd feel so helpless.

We are told that we have to "redha"..Yes, we have to let go. But we also have to live on and that's the painful part, having life feel empty and incomplete.. How can one go on with life, when your whole life, it seems, used to center around a certain handful group of people, so much that it became your sole purpose in life? And when that "purpose in life" is gone, what do you do? What becomes your purpose?

Sometimes I wonder whether the grief or the pain that we bear is because we feel that we have not done enough. We always ask ourselves, just like how I asked myself when I'd go and see Mak Lang "Does she know that I love her? And that I will always pray for her?". I told her finally though, when I gathered enough courage to face her without crying. I whispered in her ears and hugged her, "Mak Lang, please be strong. I love you, we all do"

She could only nod, cos she was so weak. I hate myself now, for waiting, cos I could have told her earlier..when she was stronger, when she had more strength to at least say something back.

But that's just it, isn't it? We always wait till the last minute, when there's almost nothing left...to say what we feel. And then, what's the point?

For Pak Lang, I know he has nothing to regret cos he gave his 100 percent to his wife, holding her hand all the way, right to the point where he placed her lovingly in her final resting place. I think he has just lost some sense of purpose and that there's this big empty space in his heart where Mak Lang used to be. I know though, that given time, the pain will heal, and we will get our Pak Lang back.

As for myself, I will just have to START giving my 100% to all those around me and build up my iman for inner strength to face death in life.

Is this enough? I don't know.

Only time can tell.

Will You Marry Me?

Yesterday, while I was struggling through my day's worth of work, I received and email from an office friend. It started off with him bantering on and on about a guy which he thinks that I think is CUTE. (in actual fact, I clarified with him that the guy looks like JACK THE RIPPER and was NOT cute and that in turn HE was interest in JTR).

But that's not why he emailed me. This is what he said..and my response

HIM: I think he's (Jack the Ripper) hetero lah......Anyway, he ain't my Type ler......kah, kah, kah.....

ME: are u feeling bored or is it one of those days where u just have to bug me??? ;p

HIM :need a woman's advice about a woman.........
(Me thinking: "I shud've known!)

ME: haiyaaaa..you ALWAYS need advice!! But its ok..I am feeling swamped (as always) and I guess I HAVE TO help you..(need the x-tra pahala!). So ask away! What is it? Don't know who to choose? Sooo many to choose from? or what???
But, seriously, u can ask. and I promise I won't laugh! :)

HIM :Choice has been made....I've come to the point that I need to voice it out " Will you marry me?". No clue or perhaps guts to actually face that moment. rejection? oucchhhhhhhhh!!!!! there goes my ego...........

ME : You mean ME? Marry you??? How long have u felt this way for me??? What will N think?? What do YOU take me for???? NO WAY!
(By the way, my darling N just happens to be his BOSS!!)

HIM : You ARE joking right? Cos it is a bit late for all that don't u think???? Its xxx my girlfriend.

ME : Phew! heheheheheheheheheh! Just pulling yr leg lah!

So the conversation went on. Me, giving him womanly advise on the best way to ask THE QUESTION. Like I have received so many proposals LAH!

After all that, I got to thinking.. Actually, WHAT IS THE BEST WAY?? You read all these things in romance novels and you see so many ways of proposing in movies and they seem so bizarre that you think "YEAH RIGHT! Let's get real here ya know!" And I thought back of all the real proposals that my friends went through and maybe I'll share some.

Friend number 1:
Method: He took his girlfriend up Bukit Gasing, played a Boyzone Tune on his car radio and read her a poem that he wrote himself. And while reading he shed some tears and proposed. Of course his wife-to-be accepted. (hey?? How many men left in this world are that sensitive and so in touch with their feelings????)

My thoughts on this: CORNY. Works for some but wouldn't have if it were me. I need something more macho than that lah. But of course I sighed amd sighed when I heard their story. Sooo romantic, isn't it??

Friend number 2:
Won tickets from MixFM to a Kris Dayanti concert and went with his girlfriend. While at concert Kris invited him on stage to sing a number. After the whole stint with Kris, he took the mike and ON STAGE proposed to his girlfriend. That got the crowd going wild! And of course..she accepted:

My thoughts: That's more like MY kind of thing. But then again, how often does that sort of thing happen!?

Friend number 3 :
Met future wife in drunken state. Met her the next day sober. Day after next.. plopped the question straight in the face. WILL YOU MARRY ME? And.. she accepted. He did admit tho' that he had a bit to drink before asking the question.


So I guess, this whole issue of how to ask and blah..blah.. actually boils down to the individuals in the relationship. But in all honesty, once you've found the right person, shouldn't it feel like the most natural thing to do??

If I could "RE-direct" my own proposal from my husband (which of course right now is a bit too late!) It would be something simple, which goes something like this..

HIM (holding my hand and looking deep..deep into my eyes, in a low-low voice) : I want to ask you something.
ME : ok?
HIM: Will you marry me?
ME : .......YES! (and then die of happiness and go straight to heaven!)

But you know, a girl can only dream. My REAL-LIFE proposal came out in total opposite..NOTHING like what I've dreamt of all my girly days.

Setting : Mamak Shop (Having late breakfast with N and N's friend, MN) Sometime in 1999.

N : I need to go to the washroom for a while. (So, he disappears)
Silence (I was busy eating my roti canai)
MN : Ehem... D, Kalau N ajak you kahwin you nak tak? (If N asks you to marry him, would you want to)
ME : Hmmm.. I guess.. Yeah, why not?
MN : Seriously?
ME : Yeah.. why?

N comes out from toilet.

MN to N in loud voice: EH N! DIA CAKAP DIA NAK KAWIN DENGAN KAU LAH!!!! (EH, she says she wants to marry you)
(And all the mamaks in the shop smiled..)

N : He! He! OK! (And BIG SMILE appears on face)

N turns to me and says : OK ke?
ME : OK lah Kot. (I guess so?)

And that was MY proposal. Where was the romance? What a scam! And I kept thinking, "Man! This N has NO BALLS!! But in spite of whatever I am saying NOW, we were happily married four months later ANYWAY. And till today, I keep thinking, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??

But the past is past and I am happily married after all, due to that mamak-shop proposal.

Actually, we girls have it easy cos most of the times, its not US who have to pop the question. I can just imagine the "trauma" these guys go thru (of course N is an exception!) of having to compose a script and all, asking the woman of your life to marry you. Just what IF she says NO? Men can't take rejection, big blow to the mighty EGO, isn't it???

So, I suppose..there is no such thing as ONE perfect way of proposing and that there are a million and one ways of doing it.

To this dear guy friend of mine, I'd say :

1.Take a deep-deep breath
2.look at her straight into her eyes
3. say bismillah,
4. tell her you love her
AND
5. Politely ask her to spend the rest of her life with you.
6. Of course if u wanna add things like "you're the most beautiful woman in the world" or the all-famous "YOU COMPLETE ME" line OR read her a poem(and cry while at it) OR sing her a song etcc.. u can!

Insya-Allah..everything will be fine.

My last email to him said:

And Friend..

I am happy that you've gotten this far (I sorta lost hope in you! ha!ha!)AND I will be praying for you.

ps. BUT.. if u have NO BALLS like your BOSS, you can always ask ME to ask HER for you!! OK???! *wink*wink*

If I Could Change the World (or some Part of it)

I haven't heard this song for a long time but it kept playing and playing in my mind all the way back from work. Its an old Eric Clapton tune.

If I could reach the stars
Pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart
So u could see the truth

bla..bla..bla..

If I could change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You would think my love was really something good
Baby, if I could change the world

Love that song. Always did. And there I was humming all the way back and it started drizzling. And I thought, if I could change something at that very moment.. at that very moment only. This is what I'd do..

I'd colour the rain-purple.

Purple rain.

How bout that?