The Week that Was

It’s been a long, long time and I was beginning to get used to the idea of not being hooked up to the net although the computer at home was all the time seeming to be luring me to switch it on. But I didn’t succumb, except for that lovely night of chatting with Ely and KakTeh’s R. And so far, it's been great. Although i have to admit, I did think of you. A lot.

I took a week off work after the bid I was working on was submitted. We flew to Miri for the submission and were ahead of schedule (wooohoooo!); which was great. Great; because that meant I had time to book myself an hour’s session of pampering at the spa of the hotel we were staying in. I had myself a Balinese facial and bliss it was indeed! I had no idea that everything they used was organic and that I could practically eat everything that was smothered on my face, from the yogurt to the lemon-honey-lime thing and of course the cucumbers. Have you ever stopped to smell at cucumbers before? Heavenly; they are (especially when it's smothered ice-cool on your face). Heavenly. Just like how heavenly the grass smells right after rain or just as heavenly as grass smells right after it’s cut. Yes, as heavenly as that.

Anyway.

The week was spent running around getting things done; like finally registering Nasar into a school. Yes, he’ll be in Standard One next year, and guess who is feeling old, old and old? As for Nasri, we spent a lot of manja time together. Him, his big bro and the mama. I realized that my boys laugh a lot and that Nasri’s laugh is exceptionally contagious. We caught movies, painted pictures, made a scrap book of leaves (don’t ask me what leaves, cos I can’t name em); caught tadpoles in our pond and took drives around the neighbourhood when it wasn’t raining. Which was awesome. Even more awesome than the Balinese facial with the everythingonyourface-you-can-eat menu. Fun.

N decided to also take the week off with me so that we could have a “wholesome” family time together. Actually, he never said so but I’d like to think so. Hehe. BUT, what I found out was, that he could really drive me nuts. And by the end of the week, I was praying really hard that he’d just go back to work so that he’d get off my case and not have to follow me everywhere. Goodness! Now I know what mom felt when dad finally retired. (But we know she loves him fiercely no matter how muich he bugs her!) We women do treasure what little’s left of our freedom! It takes some getting used to, I guess. But for now, I like the idea of him being at the office 5 days a week, and only have him during the weekends! Especially when I’m on leave!

The week was good until the Friday when Boss called for meetings over the weekend. Plus the in-laws came over unannounced (don’t you just love to have in-laws?) which disrupted my girls night out on Friday. SO from Friday night onwards, it was all downhill for me. Good things don’t last forever I suppose.

So that’s that. I am quite well rested despite the unplanned events over the weekend and albeit being a wee bit disgruntled over it! (It’s Monday morning, I am allowed to sulk.) I’ve still not tuned myself to get into blogging mode yet. Plus, there is still tons to do! I have that story to write, which I’ve hardly started (Ceti! Sorry!) and I have this pile of stuff on my desk that needs to be looked into and I'm so not looking forward to it.

Have a good Monday everybody.

I need another holiday please!

About A Story I Need to Write

I was asked by a friend to write about the experiences that I have been through with my Nasri. The story will be included in a book of compilation of stories from parents with children with special needs. I agreed to do it a long time ago, and I still want to do it today since it’s for a good cause. But the truth is, it is hard. In fact, everytime I write about him it is hard. It’s hard to write without going overboard with the feelings and emotions I have, knowing that perhaps half of the people who read it would probably not appreciate what I feel and worse, feeling exposed and confronting the fact that this "strong woman" image that I portray in the "outside" world..is really not all that true.

That said, I want to write about Nasri. Perhaps, writing is my only way of venting everything that I feel out to the world, and let it be heard, because I have to let it out or else I’d burst someday. I also think that there's a message in all this and that by writing this, I could perhaps somehow educate a few people in the process and make them aware that this is how it goes and this is as real as it gets. Which is why I have written about it in my blog a couple of times; and I hope I've managed to provide some enlightening to those who have come by. In the faceless world of the internet, it’s made easier. I don’t know half of the people who visit, so I really don’t care if they judge me for being a bad mom, or for even thinking my son is "not so right in the head" (unfortunately some people think like that) and I can be whatever I want to be and feel whatever I want to feel. And those I do know personally, as always, have been so, so kind.

Back to this story.

So what do I write? Do I write about the days when I feel like the world is against us? About the days I feel like hiding from everything including Nasri? About the days when I pray to God to take whatever it is that he is going through and pass it to me instead? About the days when I just go home; turn on the shower and soak myself silly until I feel human again? About the days when I fear his school will call and tell me that they don't want him there anymore? About the days when I say to God punish me but please take away his pain? Or about the days when I ask myself - Is it a punishment? Or is it a test?

I don’t know.

Then there are the beautiful things I have to share. Like the first time he pulled my hand and said “Jom, Mama!” Which were the most beautiful words I have ever heard. And no one would know how beautiful or meaningful it is for a mother to hear her four year old son say that, for the first time. Beautiful isn’t it? Or like the time he looked straight into my eyes, returned a smile when I smiled at him and how when I make funny faces at him he’d laugh and laugh endlessly like I was the funniest person in the world. Or the first day he picked up a pencil without retaliation and wrote almost effortlessly his A.B.Cs making sure he traced the dots correctly..and that beautiful look of satisfaction on his face when he finished? Or how he now wants to go everywhere hand in hand with his big brother like they are best friends?

Or, how he now runs with excitement to therapy knowing that the one hour there will be an hour of play and fun, and no longer an hour of torment? Or how blessed I have been that I have received support throughout and have ever so kind teachers from his school helping me out; even to the point of going to therapy with him so that they can learn more?Or the day when he pulled me for a hug and said “sssshhhhh” and pat my head, while I was sobbing my eyes out? Those are the times when I tell myself we’ll be ok and finally feel like the sun is shining on our side of the world. Beautiful times.

So here I am thinking of what to write. It’s still not easy. It’s not like writing about a school dinner which takes 10 minutes to write and hardly any editing involved and most importantly, not much feelings involved. You know what I mean?

I’d like to write about all the beautiful moments and how I love him more than anything and put a lot of hype into his “good” progress and what he can do well etc..etc.. But; that’s just half the story. The other half, can be pretty ugly. Do I want to share that in my story? Can I do it, in fact?


I don’t know.

(and the deadline is Sunday!! Eeeks!)

The Dinner

The dinner was great.

The food served was Malay but I don’t remember much about it or even what was on the menu because we were too busy yacking about how good the food was at school. Believe it or not, STF, unlike other boarding schools (or so I,ve heard) did serve really good food; so much so that almost everyday, as soon as the bell rang at 1.30pm at lunch time, you’d see the girls racing to the dining hall. Literally, scores of girls ran, like their life counted on it; to the dining halls! The skirts of our kurungs lifted above the knees so that we could run fast and get first place in the lunch queue. You betcha, I was one of em..And am proud to say that, we were always earliest!

I was exceptionally excited to meet Noni whom I haven’t seen, in like yonks. I was also actually wondering how she looked like cos my memory has proven to be very poor and I couldn’t really remember her face. Anyway, a few steps into the ballroom, I saw this lady in a white nyonya kebaya and no doubt it was her!! YAAYYYY! So the lowdown is this. Noni remembers me as the budak yang kuat nangis. (Loooong story, but true. I cried in Form one. For 2 weeks. And then stopped. And never cried since! Heheh!) Well, yup. That was me. Guilty as charged. But my memory is also quite selective you see; I could not for the life of me remember Noni counselling me!! Thanks for refreshing my memory Noni. I know now, that you not only were you someone I feared; but you are also someone I owe a lot to! Mucho mucho gracias! Love ya.

I also realized last night that it is possible to not know that you’ve missed someone a lot until you see them right in front of you. Jaja couldn’t make it due to last minute changes in her work schedule. So I called a senior whom I was recently in touch with and asked her whether she would like to come and she agreed. After 15 years of not seeing her, you bet, my nerves were acting up. But as I spotted her in the ballroom, I couldn’t stop myself from running towards her and giving her the best hug I had in me. It was great to see her. And although I hadn’t given any thought to it over the past 15 years, I realized last night that I really did miss her. A lot. Kak Nik, I remember the days when you let me sleep on your lap all the way from JB to Penang for our PPM debates in that uncomfortable, un-airconditioned school bus and never complained. You were always so good to us. And although my brain is half functioning most of the time..I do remember that we had a great time! THANK YOU.

Me and the adik-adiks. Didn't realise that I am THAT short!!

Then there were all those whose faces I could remember but not their names! Especially the juniors who came to say hello. Sharini, Yan and Ryzah and Emma (but I remembered Ryzah and Emma!)..and the rest of the gals from your groups; you know who you are. Oh man! Sorry! I just couldn’t cough up the names! Some have grown so (which should be expected lah kan?) but I wish they didn’t! haha! Cos they should always be my little sisters forever and ever. Oh well.

And if you think the old gals from an all girls boarding school are all prim and proper; well, think again! For most of the night, throughout the speeches and whatnots, we were behaving like “ladies” for a while, but the moment Anuar Zain took stage; almost all of us forgot the significance of the wedding bands we were wearing on our fingers and were screaming our lungs out at him and practically fighting with each other to grab his arm, leg or whatever! It was hilarious! Especially when seeing the “older” super duper seniors acting up like that. But I gotta give it to Anuar Zain lah. He is a real hottie; he knows exactly how to work the crowd and I do remember (with guilt) at some point during the performance that ..I WANTED HIM!!! Gulp. But that was last night lah. Now, back in the normalcy of real life… I know I can’t have him. WHy oh why??

Best buddies. Linda and I.

Well, as for me, most people said I look exactly the same. Should I be happy?? It freaked me out actually! When I look back at the photos of myself at school, I was always this scruffy, sometimes sweaty school girl. Far from being a well bred, elegant, groomed lady. And after all these years, they say I STILL LOOK THE SAME! Noooooo!!!!!

Anyways, despite that, last night, this Srikandi went home feeling deeply satisfied by a most gratifying night of reuniting with old-old fast and firm friends, taking many, many walks down sweet memory lane and also finally rediscovering a major part of where she came from. I felt seventeen once again; and after forgetting how it feels like to be seventeen for the longest time, it was the most refreshing and exhilarating feeling ever and I'm still feeling seventeen today!! I’m glad I went ; and guess what? I’m already thinking of what to wear next year! *winks*

Ps. AE84 – Where were you?
Yan, Sharini, Ryzah if you read this. Email me!
Linda (and hubby) thanks for being there and for being so beyooootiful!

PPS: ..and God bless InaLim; another junior of mine. I forgot to mention her which was really bad of me cos she worked hard at making this event a success together with the rest of the committee. The spirit never dies eh Ina?